Sometimes I wonder what the heck is going on. Then I remember all the people throughout history who have tried very hard to get a bead on things. When they thought they had ironed it all out, they went nuts and people usually died or were mistreated for stupid reasons. Pigments and orifices. Prayers and flags. Bombs and bullets.

So now, at least, this very day, I tell myself this: you're just going to die—be miserable while you can.

You know what I like best about Internet forums, especially those the likes of Fark? Well, if I had to pick just one thing, I guess it would be the complete futility! Whenever there is a heated discussion, we see the unmitigated ignorance, thoughtlessness, apathy, and reckless abandonment of kindness.

Let's say there is a discussion about a person's ability in America to determine his degree of success or failure in life. Wait until there are about thirty comments. Immediately there is a noticeable disregard for objectivity. For a proper discussion there must be consideration of as many factors as possible. In this particular exchange there is no mention of the infinite possibilities for combinations of life factors that entirely affect one's "ability" to "determine" one's "success" or "failure". The quotation marks represent another problem—definitions are different for every person, especially for things like success and failure.

The biggest problem, I think, is that it seems as though many people assume there are universal rules for human activity. Particularly, in this case, there is the example of universal standards for the measurement of success and failure, as well as the availability, quantity, quality of resources and the great number of factors affecting the methods for success. In the US alone there are differences of race, sex, the cycle of poverty, economy, and the fluctuations of each in various regions. There are certainly many more which I wouldn't think of, like the effects of macro- and microeconomics, sociology, and so on.

There are no universal rules. Certitudes need to be dropped as we yield to objectivity.

And kindness. It seems as though we forget about respect when we lack objectivity and disregard true thoughtfulness. That "thoughtfulness" is more important than any attempt of logic or rhetoric in the case of general discussion, or assessment of one's worth. In that regard, a person's intelligence doesn't matter if he truly attempts to think freely, deeply, and honestly. If anything in this post comes close to any type of universal truth, it's that.

I went to church today; I haven't been in a while. A boy sat in front of me with a coloring book and candy. Watching him I felt discontent—his parents must be indifferent or uncaring, I thought. They'd given him a fancy modern coloring book with special paper and markers. It was impossible for him to color beyond the lines within the pictures. What a horrible thing, a boy who can't express himself (in church no less, another story). If he had wanted to write his name or add something from his imagination to the page he would've been out of luck. My mind conceived a new generation with automated everything. That exaggeration may be baseless, but it's worth an alarm. Is the development of his classification and concept skills going to be impeded? I suddenly hear Bob Dylan's voice singing about Pavlov's dog.

I need to go pick up a timesheet tomorrow.

There's been so many things flowing through this weird, rattled brain of mine. Maybe I'll write it all down one day and sell it.

I was called a guru yesterday by one of my instructors. That makes you feel good. I don't think I'm a guru of anything, even the field between my ears.

I'm still young enough to have hopes and dreams. I'm still young enough to fall in love in an instant. I'm still young enough to start over. I'm still young enough to feel like a child, in every way. I'm still young enough to call my father "Daddy". I'm still young enough to notice pendulosity beneath the showerhead, and pretend that I'm inside it. I'm still young enough, I reckon.

I'm ugly.

This is the last day of our Fall break. I've done nothing related to school, and I've slept a whole lot, so it was good.

I was in Albemarle this weekend for general reasons when I (nearly literally) ran into an acquaintance from school. I asked how he was and he said he was fine, proceeding with accepted protocol to ask the same of me. I responded and then we went each our own way. It got me to thinking. Etiquette serves its purpose, and it isn't a bad thing, but how many times when you are asked of your condition does the inquiring person actually care? Do they even listen to your response? They're usually not looking at you after they ask the question. Remember that I'm speaking of strangers or acquaintances, not friends. If you answer negatively, and they are listening, it's as if you urinated on their leg. By that I mean it's a surprise. "You didn't say, 'fine,' or, 'I'm doing good'? Then, you broke procedure. You didn't abide by the protocol. Now I have to act like I care. Thanks a lot." Yeah, it's not like that with everyone, but the fact that it's prevalent enough to cause me to write this is a shame. Just know that if I ask how you are, I mean it.

Nazi   Earhart   ut-oh   Simpsons

I was just thinking about something. I haven't been interested in a girl in a long time. I think I know why: 95% of the time it's a bunch of nonsense. When I was younger I was desperate to find someone. I'd say between the ages of 15 and 19 I really wanted to find a girlfriend. Some of my friends could attest to this. Back then, I had never had a real girlfriend. Sure, I had a couple "girlfriends" in elementary school, but we all know that doesn't count. I wonder whatever happened to Miriam (and Matthew for that matter). Anyway, I had never had "love". For some reason I wanted it very badly. I had severe crushes that produced depression and the standard, mediocre teenage poetry of angst. I wanted all those things movies, television, and music tell us are necessary for happiness in life.

After a two year relationship, I realized so many things. The foremost is that real love between two humans is rare and even if you think you have it right now, you may very well be wrong. I've also realized that relationships (even good ones) are not all they're cracked up to be. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self to stop trying so hard; it's not worth it in the least. Good friends nearly always last longer than so-called significant others.

So my conclusion is that I don't care about finding a girlfriend right now. I'm not going to be looking for one. I'm not even going to try until after I'm done with school and get settled with that life transition (finding a real job, building my own house, etc.). I have no want of that hassle at the moment. If one seeks me out, that may be a different story, but I'll deal with that highly unlikely event in it's happening.

But, in the subject of likely events, if I'm ever sent off to prison, I want everyone to donate as much as they can to this organization.

Let's see. The only perfect thing is nothing, right? Does this prove that God doesn't exist?

Nah.

I had a nice example about a bowl and a factory, but I forgot. Use your imagination and figure something nice. Anyway, we listen to our emotions and trust our senses over rationality a lot. Since I forgot my example, I'll make a new, very bad one: ...I can't think of it. Just forget it. No, here: when a news story acts as propaganda for some emotional cause. It builds up the story and gives you "facts" and figures and examples of something that's just horrible, or the opposite, incredibly wonderful. But, we latch on to the emotional or sensual aspects of it and ignore or fail to consider the logical things associated. Blah.

We appease our senses, but not our rationality. I'll explain later when I have more time.

There is a future, and things are to happen. You feel it, but you have no idea.

Some have this in their life. I feel it sometimes. Somehow you just know that there is something waiting; something significant, wonderful or terrific, is to be found ahead. A yet unknown goal is to be accomplished, someone is to be helped (maybe even you); a part of yourself will be awakened for the first time, or a buried, forgotten, or lost piece of yourself will be brought. It may very well be the meaning of your life. Maybe everything will make sense, and there will finally be peace.

Have you ever known someone who suddenly appeared older? This happened to me recently. I think it's because there are some who age very well--for a while. A time is reached when that fortune runs empty and the body finds its age.

Weird? Maybe, but I think that's the case for some.

The best kind of happiness is kind that relieves a fear.

And I think it has something to do with nearly every happiness. Examples: love (eliminates the fear of being alone--living, dying, going through times of trouble, worry by oneself), sex, having money, completing projects/work, receiving a gift (someone likes you; you won't have to spend money on the item yourself; the item will help you in some way, etc.), and so on.

For the public, the main use of the Internet is finding those who agree with them.

This won't happen again for four years. Will it be a Tuesday? Will it rain that time, maybe? Why does everyone care that it's the 29th? These numbers don't really mean anything. They're just a way for us to tell how long it's been since this, or how long it is until that. The fact that something happened in 1899 doesn't make it any more significant than if it happened in 1901. 11:59pm on December 31 is no different from 12:00am January 1. Eighteen years old is no more significant than twenty-eight years old. The only reason we care is the context that we place and observe.

Read it. You won't find many better books. The whole "phonies" concept reminds me of my way of thinking, although I didn't realize it until I was reading the book again this time. I think the reason my mind rebels against things is because I have some sort of "phony philosophy" constructed in my head. It's difficult to explain; I just have a lot of doubts about the integrity of most people. I think that's why I don't like many people, why I judge when I don't want to be judging. I think I let the worst examples, which gain the most attention, become primary models in my mind. I know that's the wrong way to do it, but it's very easy to do, at least for me. For example, politics, in which I used to be interested. However, I found that many members of our political arena aren't worthy to lead anybody, because they can't even lead themselves properly. I grew weary of our polity. This is a disadvantage to me mostly, because I let bad examples represent an entire system. For another example, the news. After years of watching the news, it would be easy for anyone to see our society as hopelessly absurd, selfish, and self-defeating. That's what I've done. Good news takes a backseat to office scandals, murders, molestation, racism, obesity, pollution, hostage situations, drunk drivers, rape, daycare abuses, celebrity affairs, hypocrisy of all sorts, and so on. So when I meet people, it's easy to assume they're flawed without remorse. I know this isn't the case for some. But it's one of many reasons why I think about "phoniness"—one of many reasons why I wish I could live at the edge of misty mountains, between old rocks and trees, with nature and God.

Anyway! I feel as though I shouldn't be this way. In some way it seems lazy. I shouldn't just use biased evidence or secondary sources to judge something, especially to castrate an entire society or culture. At this stage in my development, though, I like to have things proven to me; faith in anything other than God is difficult for me. That seems to be the message sometimes: Don't Have Faith In People. Trust only in yourself. If you want something done right, do it yourself.

However, there is another quote: If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others. Hmm, makes me think. Am I just as bad? Probably, in other ways. Everyone sins, everyone is flawed. However, there is one thing that separates, and separates by a wide margin. And that is, there are those that sin, and those who sin with guilt—those who want to do good, make up for their sin, try to help others, and add to humanity. I'm not a noble, self-sacrificing person. I'm no knight; I lack the upstanding virtues. However when I'm mean, judgmental, apathetic, gluttonous, condescending, or whatever, guilt finds me and I try to hold myself accountable. Generally, I want to be a good person. But my temper gets to me sometimes, and sometimes I overlook my morals and hastily do something "bad." But, I ask forgiveness of anyone offended, including God, and try to make up for my wrongdoing. Again, please don't take this as back-patting—I'm just trying to explain my views, spilling my thoughts, and attempting to tell you that I simply want to be a good person. And that I wish all others did, too.

Maybe that's why I like the story of A Christmas Carol so much. And Groundhog Day. Redemption makes me happy.

It's late and I'm tired. I should stop writing before I say more stupid things.

I was looking at a website that deals in nostalgia, and I realized some things: 1) every generation of children is defined by the toys, games, television, and other forms by which it is entertained, and 2) this sucks. Don't get me wrong, I love to reminisce and remember Saturday afternoons with Mario and the Ninja Turtles. But now I realize that part of my childhood was decided in business meetings and designed by nerds in Asia. Thank God for cookouts and power outages. I think life without electricity is good for a person every now and then.

Back on subject. Oh, there wasn't one.

Wait! yes there was. So much of my generation's youth was shaped by cartoons, action movies, Disney, sugary cereal, designer waterguns, wacky videogames, neon notebooks, velcro folders, 6-foot-long pieces of gum, and all things Nerf. It has progressed in a similar way. Now we have sexy music videos, DVDs, gadgets galore, and endless name brand apparel. Do we buy culture? If so, then we renew it frequently. In fact, our parents bought our identities until adolescence, at which point we went out and bought our own definitions and characteristics. Maybe I'm going overboard, but isn't this at least partially true? I think it's because we are so individualistic—we don't care about communal welfare, how our neighbors are. Unlike the villages of the past, we dwell within our houses, where the endless expanse of television and the Internet become our exploration—where we find our ties in the very most convenient way.

To end this in punky, dramatic fashion: Kill Your TV!