By now Lindsey and I are at Nags Head and we've been married for 24 hours. Praise God and thanks to everyone who made our wedding special. Yes, I'm writing this two months before yesterday even happened (starting to feel like Marty McFly here), but I know that even if aliens invade, gunmen arrive, or, God forbid, a dress strap breaks, it will have been a wonderful event simply because of what it is. Thank you, Proctors and everyone else in Poquoson, Yorktown, and the surrounding area who were involved, especially the members of Poquoson Baptist Church who welcomed me. I feel like I suddenly have a big new family. I've felt this way for nearly two years now, especially with Lindsey's immediately family. But now that it's official, well, it just feels great.

You've all been such a big help. Dee Forrest, Sylvia Wood, Sandra Lindell, Donny Goodrich, Bobbi Fordham, Pastor John, thank you for your cooperation and help. There were a few tough times, but we made it through.

Thank you, Kathy, for being a great mother-in-law. I don't know what's with all those rumors and jokes about mothers-in-law (Fred Flintstone just had a rare, unfortunate situation, apparently). You're great. That "in-law" part is negotiable.

Ashley, what can I say! You've always been very nice to me, right from the start. You're the closest thing I'll ever have to a real sister. Too bad I wasn't there to torture you as a child.

Bud, thank you for also being great. I remember when I first met you in KFC's parking lot in Albemarle. On that first day I could tell that you're a fantastic person and father. I look up to you, and not just because you're 6-foot-7.

I could never forget Gammy, who has become a grandmother to me. I lost both of my grandmas in 1994 and I've missed them a lot. You are a wonderful addition to my life and I love you, Gammy.

My biggest thanks goes, of course, to God. Without Him, Lindsey and I would never have met.

Lastly, but not quite least, Lindsey. Thank you for loving me and proving to me that there are some people out there worth risk; that things aren't as bad as all that; that I could find somebody worthy of love and who would echo it fully. You've loved me through all my bad times, when others would have left. You've helped me. You've probably saved my life, and only you can know what exactly I mean by that. To others wondering what that means and whether it's a cliché: it's closer to reality than rhetoric. Lindsey keeps me straight; "I walk the line." But enough with this talk! I love you, Lindsey. Let's start our life together.

Don Corleone had it right when he said, "A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man." Although not exactly what I had in mind, the core principle is the same: family is one of the most important things in life. I love my [extended] family. Today we gathered at uncle James' house for fun and food. Josh, Jodi, Nathan, Jordan, Justin, Alexis, James, Cynthia, my parents, Cynthia's brother Ted and his family all piled in. Justin has bought Alexis a big trampoline, which is lined with a protective net to prevent clumsy boys like me from falling out. We flopped like manic fish for at least an hour, hitting and kicking a giant ball at each other. We were children tonight, and it was great.

I'm pleased that at twenty-four I still act like a child, or have the ability, anyway. I have lots of responsibilities, and even more now that I'm getting married. But I can still be silly and carefree. I see many, many adults who have let "the weight of the world" get to them. When one leaves childhood, he's a part of the "real world," and he sees things differently, usually without the curiosity and hope childhood allows. I'm going to do my best to hold on to that throughout my life. I think too many people lose it. (Let's see if I'm successful fifty years from now.)

Tonight was a reminder of that. It was probably the last time we'll have that sort of get-together before I'm married. I stopped looking at it that way, though. That makes it seem like something is ending and things will forever change, and that's not how it is. Things will still be the same, except that Lindsey will be a great addition, who will make things even better.

As I've written, midnight has come and gone, so 'today' has become yesterday. This is a special day, the day I first met Lindsey. We didn't officially start dating until the latter half of June, but I'm still reminded of her when May 7 comes. How would my life be different now if she hadn't bumped into me that day? A lot of people would say, "Oh man, I don't want to think about it." I do because it reminds me of how fortunate I am.

I may be a little old to finally declare this, but the last lingering fundament of my youth is gone. This morning, shortly after turning 16½, Gig's heart stopped. I cried. Like a baby.

I was only 7 when he was born—April 9, 1989—and I'll soon be 24-years-old. Gig has been around for 69% of my presently short life. For a less technical explanation, Gig was my Dog, capital D. He kept me company for years, and as any pet owner-lover knows, it's more appropriate to count the days. Terribly bad, wonderfully good, and anywhere between, a day may be bettered by a pet. Just as with a person, the relationship of a pet holds memories, connections, insights, secrets, and even inside jokes.

I buried Gig beneath the apple tree that shaded him throughout his life. As a young boy, I spent countless hours playing among fallen apples with G.I. Joes, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and He-Man, when I could find him. All missions to launch a surprise attack on Mount Gig failed.

Gig will be remembered as he was—a welcoming, bright-eyed, wagging watchdog. And a lover of all things cheese.

I miss you, Gig.

I say official because we've known for a long time that we're going to marry. I just needed to abide by proper protocol and buy a diamond.

I'm so romantic, I know.

Lindsey and I are simple people. By that, I mean we're down-to-earth and desperately unadorned. We get our kicks by walking in the woods, waiting for falling stars, and rolling pennies when the pickle jar fills.

No, really.

Anyway, Dan Daniel park in Virginia is a place at which we've stopped several times during our travels. It's very quaint, and quite unpopulated just after sunup. I decided to ask her to marry me in a little spot beside the river where we once had a mini-picnic.

We left very early this morning just so we could be in the park when it opened. After walking around for a while, talking and remembering, we made it to our little spot. After some lovey-dovey talk I bent down and asked, after which she went nuts and said some things in a foreign language, which she later told me was freaked-out girl talk for "OHMYGOSHOFCOURSEYESILOVEYOU."

We will be married in Virginia on May 20, 2006. You can come as long as you bring an expensive gift or, preferably, cash.

You're not dumb.  Hearing that from you makes me feel great.  I mean, I never really thought I'd be that sort of person, the "I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you" kind of person.  Because it seemed.. I don't know, contrived, maybe.  But it's not actually like that, when it's right.  It's just true.  And I like that I can always talk to you.  Even if what I need to talk about is a worry about "us".  I like that we discuss those things openly.  And we've always done that, first conversation onward.  And you know what?  I don't care how long I have to wait for you.  I'm not afraid.  Maybe I worry and maybe it's hard to wait, but I'm not scared that it won't happen.

I will always love you in some way.

Oh please, oh please, oh please.  
Somewhat related.  

I'm quite happy at the moment. Not because of the links above, but because of her.

Lindsey will be here on Friday and'll be living with me a few days. I probably won't be online at all, which will be nice in itself. But, I think this will be the best weekend I've had in...forever, maybe? Probably. It's also nice to have the best part of the summer at the end.

Dear Ladies,
        Bad news.  I'm single again.  Yes, you are no longer free of the worry that I might form some sort of attraction to you.  I'm sorry.

                                                      Sincerely,
                                                         Brian

I think I'm getting better. I'm still feeling bad, but not like I was a couple weeks ago. For those of you still wondering: a girl and I were in a relationship that got fairly serious for a while. Certain factors made it difficult to remain as we were, so we eventually had to stop it. I wasn't happy about it; she means a lot to me.

Now I find myself wondering all sorts of things. Will anyone ever love me again? Am I worthy of anyone's love? Could I live the rest of my life without ever being in another relationship? Will that be the case?

Some of those scare me. I'm a very shy person. I wouldn't even know how to approach a girl I felt attracted to. The relationships I've been in previously all just sort of happened. No one really tried to make it happen, it just did.

But, yeah, I was pretty depressed for a while. I didn't realize that I was showing it until a couple people on campus commented/questioned. I haven't felt this particular sort of sadness in two years. It's certainly one of the worst. You suddenly just feel lost and alone. There's always a certain dependency when you're in a relationship. When the relationship ends, a large part of your world is jerked away and you just feel confused and hurt. Times like this is when your faith really helps a lot, and takes away those feelings.

Yet, I guess there are certain times when there's nothing you can do about a situation involving other people, so you either change yourself or change situations. I'm not going to change.

I started reading Hocus Pocus yesterday. I like it so far. I know I'm supposed to be reading Asher Lev, but I'll get around to it. Kate's going to be mad at me.

So I found out earlier today that Nader is going to run again. Why? What good will it do, Ralph? I like your name, by the way. I've always liked Ralph. It also makes me think of Lord of the Flies. I should read that again. The movie wasn't that great. I remember it having adults on the island.

Remember several months ago when I said I wouldn't be looking for a female companion/girlfriend/significant other/whatever? That it would just have to happen? Well, I think it's happened.

I need a new hat.

When I started college I bought some school supplies. These supplies consisted of a pencil. As the last three and half years have trudged by, the paper, the staples, the highlighters, the paper clips, the floppy disks, the pens, and even the lead have come and gone. But, this pencil has stayed with me. He endured thousands of clicks, box after box of lead refills, and never once complained about sweaty hands. He doodled, he wrote, he scratched, he twirled. He has been put to rest now. He earned his wings.

This was done as a joke for a friend. I spent way too much time on it.

So, there's snow everywhere. It started Sunday morning and continued all day, turning into mostly ice around 4pm. Classes for today are cancelled, as are tomorrow's. My brother is out with Evan and Ethan. They've been gone for about two hours. I remember when it snowed a foot in 1988. I made a snowball and put it in the freezer. It's still there.

I've been talking with the pastor of a Baptist church in Salisbury. She wants me to build a Web site for them. She's supposed to call me today but the phone has yet to ring.

"26 January 06:28 NASA, United States" Someone at NASA visited my site? Am I going to have to save the world again? You guys know my e-mail.

I have a major crush on Bonnie Hunt. Actually, it's way past a crush. Actually.

And I'm pretty sure it's not going to stop. I feel like my childhood is quickly moving into ancient history. I don't want to forget it. That's a mistake too many make. The reason for this odd prattle is Jeremy's wedding on October fourth. It's hard for me to believe that he's getting married. We're supposed to be little kids having fun, practically standing up in the car during that last mile of the drive to Myrtle Beach, and discussing comic books on Grampa's couch on Christmas Eve. That's how I'll always remember them. I have thousands of priceless memories collected over the past twenty years. I guess I'm just sad that it'll never be the same. I'm very happy for him, though. I'm glad he found someone that actually loves him. Like I've said before, that's a very hard thing to do. I hope they're together from now on. I really, really do.

I don't know why I'm so nostalgic. I always find myself missing the past. I wonder if that means I'm unhappy with the present. I don't think so, because I've always been this way. Yesterday I walked nearly ten miles, and a lot of the time I was thinking about Pensacola. I don't know if it qualifies as irony, but I think I miss that place more than I miss Samantha. I could write many, many pages about every little spot I miss; the colors, smells, the texture of whatever was under my feet, sounds...it seems like every little place you miss has its own special emotion attached to it. When I think of our little private place on the beach I feel one way, and when I think about walking the hot, vacant roads to get there I feel another way. I miss dodging traffic to get from Goofy Golf to Pizza Hut. I miss her room. I miss picking up pinecones in the back yard and playing with Ono. I really miss the flight down there. I miss Christmas in Pensacola. I even miss those barking dogs. I could tell you a thousand more things and have a page for every one. I wish I could forget all of it sometimes because it hurts so badly. Oh well, what can I do?

I was just thinking about something. I haven't been interested in a girl in a long time. I think I know why: 95% of the time it's a bunch of nonsense. When I was younger I was desperate to find someone. I'd say between the ages of 15 and 19 I really wanted to find a girlfriend. Some of my friends could attest to this. Back then, I had never had a real girlfriend. Sure, I had a couple "girlfriends" in elementary school, but we all know that doesn't count. I wonder whatever happened to Miriam (and Matthew for that matter). Anyway, I had never had "love". For some reason I wanted it very badly. I had severe crushes that produced depression and the standard, mediocre teenage poetry of angst. I wanted all those things movies, television, and music tell us are necessary for happiness in life.

After a two year relationship, I realized so many things. The foremost is that real love between two humans is rare and even if you think you have it right now, you may very well be wrong. I've also realized that relationships (even good ones) are not all they're cracked up to be. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self to stop trying so hard; it's not worth it in the least. Good friends nearly always last longer than so-called significant others.

So my conclusion is that I don't care about finding a girlfriend right now. I'm not going to be looking for one. I'm not even going to try until after I'm done with school and get settled with that life transition (finding a real job, building my own house, etc.). I have no want of that hassle at the moment. If one seeks me out, that may be a different story, but I'll deal with that highly unlikely event in it's happening.

But, in the subject of likely events, if I'm ever sent off to prison, I want everyone to donate as much as they can to this organization.

I'm still pretty sad. Since Sam and I parted ways I've been doing just about everything to get my mind off of it. Jason and I have done things, and I've gone other places and done all sorts of things. Not much to do late at night, though. I've watched about every movie I have. I rented Hot Shots Golf 3. I like it a lot. I've read books. I've drawn. I even went fishing.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.

Maybe this is a good thing. Was it better that it ended? Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be, in whatever way you'd like to interpret that. Better things may be ahead. Someone who will truly love me as is supposed to be.

Jason and I went to see Star Wars (8/10) and Spiderman (8/10) the other day. We stayed for the first showing, then saw the second.

I still feel horrible. I was with her for almost 2 years. I haven't talked to her for a few days, now. She never called back after we hung up around 6pm the day after her birthday (May 16). She never called back. I've been trying to keep my mind occupied. I've watched movies, read, talked a lot with my dad, other things. I realize now how much of my life she occupied. That's why it's so hard, I suppose. She was a large part of me, and that part is suddenly lacking.

One thing that helps me cope is the fact that millions of people go through this all the time. If I were younger and less mature I would probably see this as a unique case—surely no one has ever felt this bad! But I know that people go through things that hurt them much worse than this. Most people go through many relationships and trial and error boy/girlfriends. My first serious attempt didn't work out, and that places me within 99.6% of the population.

When you experience this type of hurt and sadness, remember that you're not unique in this, and that it will pass.

Maybe I shouldn't have devoted so much time to it.

There are endless questions I could ask myself, but that does no good. Time to stand up and continue.

I feel like I'm dying inside. Sam told me today that she wants to be single. It was like someone dropped a truck on me. It was a total shock. I've never felt this bad. I mean, she's like my 'everything.' And now I just don't feel like I have anything. I don't mean to sound this way, but, you know. I'm not searching for pity. I just need to spill out my frustration and hurt (only three people read this anyway).

I kept asking her why. She wouldn't give me an answer. She says she doesn't know. I think she does.

I'm thinking that maybe she just wants some space for a while or something. Just to hang out with friends and be herself. And that maybe we'll be a couple again. She said that she still wants to talk to me all the time and that she still loves me and all, but I think she just said that so I wouldn't feel as bad. I don't know what else to say, I just feel depressed as can be.