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My head hurts. And it has hurt for the past two weeks. At first I thought it was the result of prednisone withdrawal, but two pharmacists and two nurses later I was convinced I had a tumor and needed to let the doctor prescribe my imminent death. It was 9 A.M. and I couldn't get an appointment until 4:15, so I spent the rest of the day arranging the music for my funeral, focused toward the finale with Charlie Pride's "I'll Fly Away". I was sure I had a tumor or some other slimy, purple, murdering, pus-inducing, corrosive disease-virus-infection-syndrome. This fear was confirmed by signs from Almighty God as I drove to the doctor's office: eight dead animals, including dogs and cats; several of my favorite trees were being cut down; I passed a funeral, the house of the deceased, and the graveyard; and a Celine Dion Christmas song came on the radio. Surely God was telling me that everything must die and that I'm next.

Dr. Melo-Lizardo was very nice, despite my repeated "Excuse me?" "What was that?" and just plain "What?" His Indian accent combined with my bad hearing meant awkward examination exchanges.

He looked in my ears, nose, and other holes including my eyes; made me walk toe-to-toe; bopped my knees and Achilles tendons, and so on, and asked a million questions. "Do you live in an old house?" "Are you under a lot of stress?" "Are you unnaturally attracted to Jane Seymour?" Unfortunately my answers to these and a flood of other questions yielded nothing helpful to his diagnosis. He gradually deduced that I have tension headaches and gave me naproxen sodium pills. I don't believe him. I know I have a tumor, and when I'm finished with the medicine, the headaches will return, they'll find my tumor (much too big then to be yanked out), and he'll be all like, "My bad!"

The first pill was swallowed when I returned home, but not before I read the precautions. I was already nervous from the five warning stickers on the bottle, but then I found the list of cautions and possible side effects in the paperwork: bleeding in the stomach without other symptoms, which may cause unexpected death, stroke, heart attack, vomiting, headaches, blurred vision, abdominal pain, bruising, stomach/intestinal/rectal hemorrhage or other disorders, constipation, diarrhea, angina pectoris, difficult or labored breathing, dizziness, drowsiness, nosebleed, headache, hearing disturbances, vomiting blood, fainting, gallstones, joint pain, leg cramps, black stool, heartburn, indigestion, inflammation of the mouth, itching, light-headedness, nerve problems, nervousness, nausea, rapid, fluttery heartbeat, nail disorders, red or purple spots on the skin, ringing in the ears, muscle pain or weakness, skin eruptions, neck pain or rigidness, sweating, yellow skin and eyes, swelling due to fluid retention, thirst, vertigo, menstrual problems, vision changes, congestive heart failure, back pain, kidney stones, depression, hair loss, flu symptoms, infection, peptic ulcer, nasal inflammation, cancer, confusion, sinus inflammation, lung inflammation, digestive tract inflammation, emotional changeability, enlarged abdomen, inability to sleep, sore throat, urinary infection, kidney disease or failure, facial swelling, asthma, and shock. AND SHOCK. I think menstrual pain scares me the most.

Merry Christmas!