Lindsey was supposed to be in Maryland right now, but she had a little setback. Friday night we gradually drove to my parents' house (I stopped a dozen times to take pictures of the amazing clouds resulting from the coming storm). We all ate supper and watched Cast Away. Lindsey began complaining about her stomach, which had bothered her the night before, too. We thought it was nothing, went home, and she went to bed. At about 1:40 A.M. I heard her moan, ran into the room, and she calmly requested to go the hospital. Actually, it was more like this: "DEARGODI'MDIVIDINGINTWOGETMETOERNOW!" Six traffic violations and twelve minutes later we were in the hospital waiting room, watching fourteen hundred Hispanic children climb onto and devour a helpless old man. We were called back within five minutes.

Three and a half hours later, we walked out—Lindsey tipsy on morphine, and me a little more in tune with my femininity after four issues of Women's Day. Did you know there are almost two hundred million different kinds of tampons?

I can't write this blog entry in good conscience without mentioning the mediocre conditions of the Stanly Regional Medical Center emergency room. Did I say mediocre? I meant crappy as crap can crap: clumsy, blind nurses, dirty rooms, and shoddy equipment. Oh, and everything and everyone was s   l   o   w. At one point I walked back to the main area to ask if Lindsey could go pee, and there were at least eight nurses and two doctors just standing there staring at something. I don't think it was an X-Ray unless it was the funniest X-Ray of all time. One more Oh—the intravenous drip literally dripped ALL OVER THE FLOOR. And guess what else? No one noticed the leak until the end, when we pointed it out. "Hey, doctors and nurses whose skills people depend their lives upon, the IV is dripping all over the floor right next to several electrical plugs where anyone could fall and be electrocuted." This hospital should pay us.

Luckily it was just a kidney stone. When Lindsey sees that little word "just" in the previous sentence, she will probably punch me in the groin—it was extremely painful, I have to admit. When the nurse left after explaining that the doctor had requested morphine be given, Lindsey looked at me and said, "Isn't that the stuff they gave Giovanni Ribisi right before he died the most horrible death ever?" We proceeded to quote Brian Regan for several minutes. "Say eight!"

We made it out by 5:45, grabbed some Bojangles, and slept until one o'clock.

Thomas Friedman talks about America's addiction to oil.

Not only to me, but to matter in general. The Ussher-Lightfoot Calendar claims this is the day the universe was created 6,009 years ago. Let's continue with this thinking and assume my birth has great significance for mankind. Sweet. (Thanks to Kottke for the reminder.)

This is Olive, the spider who's lived with us for the past two months. Every night she makes a new web outside our door. We both normally dislike spiders (at least so close to us), but we've grown fond of Olive and her spidery ways.

Happy Halloween!

Also! I have a spooky story to tell thee, children, so gather 'round.

Actually, it's a dream I had last night, in all it's glory...and gory detail.

          I was with Lindsey and a bunch of other ladies in London, England. We were there to recruit students for my university. A strange, old building had been rented for the day. It was yellow with many small, round windows and creaky boards within the floor. The day went horribly, with no visits from students. At about 5 P.M., before we began to give up, I went out. I marched to the schools, made big, loud speeches, and returned triumphant with multitudes of students in tow. Everyone was so happy. I was the hero.

          If that weren't enough: afterward, we cleaned up, women still singing my praises. When I was the only one remaining, my cousin Nathan came a-calling. We spoke about trivial matters, girls, and the like, as boys tend to do, while I continued to clean. Suddenly there was a bear! He had been roaming the corridors, and we had to escape. I dropped cups and silverware, and the two of us ran in the opposite direction. After two hallways and a flight of stairs were behind, we naturally assumed our safety. Oh, how wrong! The bear reappeared! I had had enough, and exploded through a wall. Safety, at last.

          However, we were then in a large wooded area with my entire family. It was a desolate place, with only a few abandoned barns separating the trees and old shrubs. With not-so-great surprise I heard shouts. "Look, there!" "Oh, my God!" Alien spacecraft darted over the horizon, above the trees. Everyone was terrified, but, yet again, I was there to save the day. I led the lot of us to one of the barns, where we barricaded ourselves in. After a good while, I decided I should go out to investigate. My brother Carlyn volunteered to accompany me. Our journey to the ranger station was a safe one, until we opened the door. Bam! the bear was inside. He grabbed Carlyn, and in true dreamlike fashion I jumped on the mass of bear and man now rolling before me. I was able to sway the bear, we quickly returned to the barn, and then back to civilization with the entire family.

After a Star-Warsesque medal ceremony, Lindsey and I went to Cracker Barrel to celebrate.

OK, I made that last part up—I thought it was a nice addendum.