This depression will not go away. I feel like these marks around my waist and thighs are getting worse. It has me so depressed. All kinds of things go through my mind. Sometimes I wonder that if I had a perfect body if I would just be another one of those self-centered, uncaring people. I worry to death about it. I'm afraid no one will ever love me. It's hard to find a friend that won't judge you based on insignificant things, let alone someone to marry. How many people want someone to marry them for their appearance anyway? Maybe I don't want to know the answer to that question. No one sees them but me. Then why are they bothering me so much? I'm scared they're going to get worse.

I have other physical problems that I don't want to discuss. They're nothing extreme. Should I be grateful I don't have cancer? That I'm not disabled? Retarded? Dead? Lately I've been wishing I were dead. Maybe that's wrong of me. I'm just sick of everything. It seems like no one cares about anything worth caring about anymore. I enjoy television, movies, video games and many other things. But, I don't center my life around them. I don't base my life on alcohol or sex. Have you heard about this new "reality" show where women compete for a pornography contract? Sometimes I seriously feel like I hate the world. It's an endless cycle of garbage.

I got really down today. I keep thinking about suicide. I know that's wrong, but I'm sick of everything. I feel like things have only gotten worse, and they'll only continue as such. I sincerely wish God would take me away. Maybe he has something for me to do yet here. Maybe a few years from now I'll understand everything. I'll know why I felt so horrible for so long. I've felt this way for a long time. I don't like telling people about it, though. They may recite a few predictable phrases they've learned to say in those situations, and then leave it at that. I don't want people to judge me or feel sorry for me because I feel this way. No one knows about it but my dad and whoever reads this mess. I'm sure some think of it as insignificant; that it'll pass, it doesn't matter. I hope you're right.

Maybe my depression is a sin. Maybe I should have complete faith in God and hand over all my worries to Him. I'm not trying to be depressed. I've asked God to help me so many times. I can understand how people don't believe in God. There are so many things in the Old Testament that sound fake, like a Native American tale that explains the origins of something because they don't understand science. I've begged God to rid me of doubts. I don't want to be too logical. An atheist will tell you that's one of the biggest problems with Christianity: throw in some logic and it's all hogwash. I've always believed in God and I always will. If I didn't, then I would just be another unpleasant plebeian. I'm not denying that I'm a plebeian, I just don't want to be an unpleasant one.

I feel guilty for feeling this way (depressed). And stupid. I feel like such an idiot. I sure sound like one. I wish I would come to my senses and reach that point of higher understanding—an awakening of intelligence so to speak.