I try to be a good person. I really do. But, a lot of times I fail. Sometimes I wish I could just go away to some remote area of the world with no one around. How can one not feel that way sometimes? Just turn on the television. 90% of television angers me. I never flip through more than 5 stations without thinking, "How stupid can the population be?" If shows such as The Bachelor are as popular as they seem, then there are a lot of people watching them. I honestly cannot comprehend how anyone can find any interest in any show such as this. There are dozens of reality and dating shows. How pathetic must a person be to sit at home and have absolutely nothing to do but watch a dating show? It...it...just fascinates me. Are you trying to lower your intellect? Haven't you noticed the type of commercials being shown to you while you're waiting for another eight-minute dose of stupidity? Television producers are laughing their heads off at you. Everyone in the television world is probably just as surprised as I, wondering how in the world they're getting away with it. They know, though, that you're going to copy everything you see. You'll try to look just like the horrible characters in their mindless weekly spew. You'll be in the bathroom looking at your reflection as you're getting ready, thinking how you can make your hair look like this person, or make your eyes resemble those of that person. They know you'll want to look, act, and be just like the sculpted, scripted morons of your worthless shows. The advertisements between each vomit-inducing segment are the only reason you're watching. Don't think so? If a show isn't successful, then there will be no one begging to run an ad during the newest, hurried stew of contemporaneity, and the show will be gone. Why can't people think for themselves? That's exactly the problem: people don't think. They observe, but slack up when it comes to refection and analyzing. It's a huge problem. It's why there are so many of those new Honda Elements on the road. "Hey! It's new and trendy! Time to go in debt a little more." It's the same for the Chrysler PT Cruiser. Any intelligent person can see how horrid both of these vehicles look. It's the only reason MTV exists. They know teenagers don't think, and have tons of money these days. "Just give them whatever is the hip new thing. They're too concerned with trivial goals and current styles to think about meaningful things. Just flash some shiny objects, play some 'cool' sounding, regurgitated music, and they'll never give enough effort to notice their profligacy. And we'll be all the richer."

This is why I'm a bad person. Sometimes I feel as though I just hate everything. I'm so disappointed in mankind. I'm often ashamed to be a human. I truly wish I lived a long time ago. I would love to live in a village, where everyone takes care of everyone else. No asphalt. No malls. No one worrying about the current fashion trends. No one whispering to another about the out of date clothes of a passing acquaintance. I know people probably talk about my attire. I have shirts that are years old. I buy pants at Wal-Mart. I don't care. They serve their purpose. I don't care if they're not what's popular. I don't care if certain people will think less of me because of the things I wear not being fashionable. People like that are one of the biggest problems with this world. I really hate the structure and hierarchy of our society. Men have ruined it beyond belief. Nothing I say or write in here will change it. I know that. I'm a product of this horrible country as much as anyone else. This is only a release.

Sometimes I get so depressed about everything. That's one of the reasons I never get any sleep. Sometimes I get to feeling so bad that I really wish I could go on into eternity. That's the real comfort—knowing what lies ahead after I leave the world behind. There are times when I doubt Christianity, though, and that comfort isn't there. Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever get better here; that I'm just waiting for death. I was having a discussion with someone the other day and I said something like, "Most people think death is the ultimate punishment. Lately I've been thinking the opposite is worse. Birth is a curse for some." I sort of regretted that immediately, considering my beliefs (and how dramatic it sounded). I was just in a bad state, and things like that sometimes pop out when you're upset.

A Christian shouldn't think these kinds of things. I'm not a good one. Sometimes my mind gets so crazy thinking about these things and so many others that I can't stand it. I never tell anyone about this. I don't know why I decided to reveal it now. I guess I realized that it won't matter; that others have thought the same things a hundred years ago, and others will think the same things a hundred years from now. Why even try? Why do anything? "I wish God would just take me away now." I feel that way sometimes. I think everyone does. "I don't want to be here anymore." But, I know that won't happen anytime soon unless I make it happen, and that would never be an option under any circumstances. I want to be a teacher so maybe I can help a few people while I'm here on this polluted, wasted ball. Teachers are some of the most important people in the world. If a young person has a nice, friendly teacher that really wants to help them learn, then that's going to influence that person in a wonderful way.

I'm not the best person ever. That's extremely obvious from my rants. I sin all the time. I always ask forgiveness. I equally ask for help. I need God's help like crazy. I need Him to help me to not get so angry over these things. I need Him to help me not to hate. Whenever I'm angry, I feel like I hate a certain type of people (like fashion-conscious airheads). After the anger subsides I realize I don't hate them, but pity them, and that the anger comes about because I feel sorry that they waste their lives with triviality. Maybe they don't; I shouldn't judge.

I also realize that many would consider my beliefs as triviality. This is why I mustn't dislike anyone simply because of these things. I never try to force my beliefs (religious, political, or otherwise) on anyone. I think that's wrong. But, I guess the things I think as wrong and the things I think as right don't really matter to anyone but me. And nothing really matters to me but that I be a good person and help whoever I can.

My favorite thing is nature. After I finish with school and get a real job, I plan to find a place in the "country", and try to get at least three acres. Maybe out on Snuggs Road, or somewhere like it. I say I hate the world, but I don't. I just hate how men have misused it. They've wasted what God gave us: a beautiful Earth. It's probably just going to get worse and worse, like the Bible says, until the end. I love it early in the morning, just before the sun rises. No other time of the day feels like that, with the pale light and silence. It's as if I'm the only person in the world. I like to go out and sit, and just be. I wish every place and every time could be so peaceful. The world is messed up. I can imagine how disappointed God must be. It's too far gone, though, it seems sometimes, as if there's no way humans can coexist in peace. There will always be differing religions and opinions on everything. The only peace a person can realistically hope for is inner peace.

Maybe the people that watch all those brainless television shows have it better. Ignorance is considered bliss, right? They don't worry about these things. Maybe I should just fall in line, and think like everyone else. I wouldn't have serious worries. I wouldn't care about starving children and the RAGING unfeeling, careless, self-centered mentality of people around me; ones that complain about a cold. Next time you have a cold, remember that you're not thrilled when you find a dead mouse for reasons of hunger. Remember that you have fingers and toes and the ability to read and run and play and laugh. Don't complain to me about a cold. It will only make me angry. I wish you weren't so selfish.

Television doesn't matter. The movies and books and video games I put over there on the left aren't important. Neither are the billboards on highways, coupons in newspapers, or Web sites like this one. It's all filler: things to occupy our minds and bodies while we wait for eternity. I'll be 70 in the blink of an eye. You think you're going to be young forever? Break your delusion, even if it's a subconscious one that you don't speak. Ten years ago you were young. Ten years from now the present will be foggy, and you'll say you were young. Maybe you just don't want to think about it. One day soon you might need assistance getting to the bathroom. Maybe you'll even need help using the bathroom. I'm just another person here thinking about his mortality and interaction with other life. It's not important. After I'm dead I'll be forgotten on Earth, just like you. Nothing I'm writing is new or vital. Stop reading, get out of here. I'm surprised you've read this far. I'm crazy. Don't listen to me. I apologize for this rant, I'm just upset.

That's about 1/100 of the reoccurring junk that flows through my brain constantly.