I just finished reading a few articles on abortion.  I must admit, I was never very knowledgeable of the subject.  It was pretty boring at first, but I really wasn't paying very much attention.  But then they started to explain how the abortions are done.  I had never read anything so funny in all my life.  I thought I would share.  Here's a brief summary.  I included the most common methods, which also happen to be the most comical.

Suction

This one is very popular and is usually done within the first three months of pregnancy. The mother is given anesthesia and her cervix is dilated thereafter. A suction curette (a kickass tube with a knife-edged tip) is inserted into the womb. The vacuum suction, thirty times more powerful than a household vacuum cleaner, tears the fetus and placenta into small pieces which are sucked through the tube into a container and discarded.

Salt Poisoning or Saline Injection

For the more caring mother, we have this option. The saline injection method is usually only employed after four months of pregnancy when there is enough fluid. A large needle is used to inject a strong salt solution through the mother's abdomen into the womb. The baby, of course, consumes this and is poisoned. To a fetus this is nearly as bad as acid, and wears away the outer layer of skin. After the stupid baby suffers for an hour or so, it's finally (more than likely) dead. Labor induces within a day and the mother will give birth to an already dead or dying baby. If it's still alive by some mistake of fate, it will be thrown away to die among the garbage and accompanying dead fetuses.

Partial Birth Abortion

This is the funniest one. As you can tell from its name, the partial birth abortion is basically an elaborate practical joke on the baby. It's been inside the womb, lazy as hell, for seven or eight months. All of a sudden there's light. The abortionist grabs the baby's legs with some forceps and pulls it out into the birth canal. He continues to deliver the baby, but leaves the head inside. Then, get this, the abortionist rams scissors into the back of the infant's head, quickly squeezing them to enlarge the skull. A suction catheter is inserted and the kid's brains are sucked right out and the body is thrown away.

The little ingrate thinks he's about to be born, but then he gets a pair of scissors to the back of the head. HAHAHA.

Some of you may be thinking, "What about the mother?"  The women are the ones who benefit from this wonderful miracle of science.  Why should they have to suffer for having unprotected sex with anonymous partners and accidentally becoming pregnant?  Getting drunk is not a crime.  And neither is this.  Lives are enriched every day by way of this convenient procedure.  Just look at these satisfied participants.

Before an abortion	After an abortion
Before an abortion	After an abortion

So parents if your teenage daughter gets pregnant, please consider the most glamorous, quick, cost effective method of abortion. I mean, God, do you really want to take care of a baby? You have more important things to do... on the Internet and in that guy's basement.

Students, wives, women everywhere: Having an abortion is the best thing you as a woman can do.  It will make you thinner, save you money, and make you a better person.  Every good American exercises their rights.

How could anyone possibly be against abortion?  It's not like the babies have souls, or feel pain during any of this.  They never wanted to be born in the first place.  I'm sure they would have just wasted their lives anyway.  I mean come on, who would want a baby that looks like these?

Everyone agrees, abortion is by far the most fun method of population control.

Update (11-11-2003): I hope you all realize this is extremely sarcastic. I don't like abortion; I'm very much in favor of life. I was trying to get my point across with ugly satire. I guess I've been reading too much Maddox. Anyway, how do you feel about abortion?