So, I've been depressed lately, mainly due to my own idiocy. With the world I don't feel like sharing the specifics, but it involves love infatuation.

Something has been happening to me recently. I mean, I've always had an interest in females, but now that I have this certain unyielding attraction I feel like someone else, in a way. I've always cared about my grades, and there have been very few classes in which I've come out with less than an A. But I've never felt a conscious desire for knowledge and learning. For some reason, I have it, now. And yet, I don't want to go to school. I feel like I'm not learning the right things there. The only thing that comes close is AP English, and I still feel like it's not helping me learn what I need. Kristi is very pretentious, and she's horribly rigid in both teaching and social-personal interaction. Mr. Hamilton could do a much better job. I felt sorry for that guy—he seemed to really care about what we were studying, but no one in the class gave a care. Maybe my memory is failing; if this is wrong, someone correct me—I didn't really pay much attention in that class either, I'm sorry to say. All I really remember is Charles making a paper airplane with a needle mounted as the nose. Scary. Oh, and A Doll's House. Scary.

Anyway, I'm in some sort of paradox, or a more appropriate description, a pickle. I want to learn, but I hate being here. I feel as though I'm completely alienated. I'm not very social, I don't have any very close friends whom with I hang out. Sometimes I feel as though something is wrong with me.

I'm just in a big state of confusion at the moment. I'm depressed about a girl; school is bascially a dichotomy right now; it's senior year; I hate my appearance; I feel alone; and I feel guilty for feeling these ways. Oi.