I can't wait for autumn. I love nature, and so, naturally, I adore the woods of fall. I cannot wait for all of this green to become yellow and red. I love to walk without the ability to stop crunching. And I love that others can't avoid it either.
Fall is probably my favorite season. I love the colors, the light, the sunsets—they all seem different as the year wanes. And there's this big feeling like we're all on the verge of something about to be born. Maybe it's the fact that Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming, semesters are ending, I don't know. It's just wonderful.
I was looking at a website that deals in nostalgia, and I realized some things: 1) every generation of children is defined by the toys, games, television, and other forms by which it is entertained, and 2) this sucks. Don't get me wrong, I love to reminisce and remember Saturday afternoons with Mario and the Ninja Turtles. But now I realize that part of my childhood was decided in business meetings and designed by nerds in Asia. Thank God for cookouts and power outages. I think life without electricity is good for a person every now and then.
Back on subject. Oh, there wasn't one.
Wait! yes there was. So much of my generation's youth was shaped by cartoons, action movies, Disney, sugary cereal, designer waterguns, wacky videogames, neon notebooks, velcro folders, 6-foot-long pieces of gum, and all things Nerf. It has progressed in a similar way. Now we have sexy music videos, DVDs, gadgets galore, and endless name brand apparel. Do we buy culture? If so, then we renew it frequently. In fact, our parents bought our identities until adolescence, at which point we went out and bought our own definitions and characteristics. Maybe I'm going overboard, but isn't this at least partially true? I think it's because we are so individualistic—we don't care about communal welfare, how our neighbors are. Unlike the villages of the past, we dwell within our houses, where the endless expanse of television and the Internet become our exploration—where we find our ties in the very most convenient way.
To end this in punky, dramatic fashion: Kill Your TV!
Until now I've held my tears inside, with all fears.
They fall and crush me.
Liberty. You smeared my guarantee-
I'm lost without your proximity, the only love you can apply.
All the time I was lost in you,
but now I cannot find in you a spot of decency.
Your false intentions destroy me,
so load and deploy me into the thick depth of my anxiety.
You pulled and yanked and tore until my love was born
out of your bumpy shape and colorful image.
But you're too far above me-
you could never love me-
one you've never known, though we've shared shadows
constantly.
Ignored, aborted, you brought me up and threw me down
as though you suddenly knew me.
Pick me up again.
Someone for whom I feel and see and hope—with a word and a move, suddenly a stranger.
I wanted to be more.
More than your friend.
I would've stood behind you all the time to find you,
but how you did hide.
You are so beautiful, and though my love was plentiful,
your radiance lied.
I wanted to protect you, love, honor, and respect you,
never to breach.
My love was overflowing, but the portrait I found wasn't within my reach.
I would've lived for you and died to bring life back to you.
I truly loved who I thought you were, but
now I feel it as a duty to fill and build and create you.
A death is not an end.
Flesh decays. A life touches and flows through the circles of others.
The echo never dies.
A polished frame, I loved your hollow inside.
Now. There's no heart that I can hide behind.
You took it away.
I've been listening to Bob Dylan a lot lately. Freewheelin' Bob Dylan, Highway 61 Revisited, Bringing It All Back Home, Blood on the Tracks, and Blonde on Blonde are so good. With more restrained spirit let me say that I've also heard a great deal of Bad Religion and The Offspring lately. These two groups don't so much compliment each other, and especially not Bob Dylan, but for some reason I like them a lot. Pennywise, too. With the last three I don't agree with their stance on God and religion. Some of Dylan's lyrics are thinly coated messages of faith, which are encouraging.
So, I've been depressed lately, mainly due to my own idiocy. With the world I don't feel like sharing the specifics, but it involves love infatuation.
Something has been happening to me recently. I mean, I've always had an interest in females, but now that I have this certain unyielding attraction I feel like someone else, in a way. I've always cared about my grades, and there have been very few classes in which I've come out with less than an A. But I've never felt a conscious desire for knowledge and learning. For some reason, I have it, now. And yet, I don't want to go to school. I feel like I'm not learning the right things there. The only thing that comes close is AP English, and I still feel like it's not helping me learn what I need. Kristi is very pretentious, and she's horribly rigid in both teaching and social-personal interaction. Mr. Hamilton could do a much better job. I felt sorry for that guy—he seemed to really care about what we were studying, but no one in the class gave a care. Maybe my memory is failing; if this is wrong, someone correct me—I didn't really pay much attention in that class either, I'm sorry to say. All I really remember is Charles making a paper airplane with a needle mounted as the nose. Scary. Oh, and A Doll's House. Scary.
Anyway, I'm in some sort of paradox, or a more appropriate description, a pickle. I want to learn, but I hate being here. I feel as though I'm completely alienated. I'm not very social, I don't have any very close friends whom with I hang out. Sometimes I feel as though something is wrong with me.
I'm just in a big state of confusion at the moment. I'm depressed about a girl; school is bascially a dichotomy right now; it's senior year; I hate my appearance; I feel alone; and I feel guilty for feeling these ways. Oi.
